I just finished ‘On The Road’. And I have so many wonderful and warm feelings about the book and how it was written almost 70 YEARS AGO - But that I can resonate with everything in it.
See, the entire story is really just about bumming around the country, with no plans and most of the time no money, and the life that comes from those simple experiences. Sal is a writer and he is doing everything he can to find inspiration for his writing so he figured he would find a lot of it in the chaos and spontaneity of the outside world. He just had to have it. He had to force himself to be as low, as close, to the earth as possible when he felt these things, so that he could draw as much inspiration out of it when he feels it. Most of the story, he had no money but was chasing a character that was an ideal of who he wished he was.
Dean.
Dean was untethered, uninhibited, selfishly and ruthlessly out living his entire life to the absolute fullest. Zero rules. Zero principles. Zero attachments. And I really mean zero. Wife? Kids? Best friends? They were all a necessary part of the story but they were not going to be able to ever stand in his way. And if they tried to, he went anyways. And they just waited for him to come back because they desperately wanted the blood that coursed through his veins. The life that burned through his soul.
So he would just go. He would just move and put himself in a place anywhere where he would be wide awake and pay attention. Then, he would have to go out and dig everything he could. He wanted to smell every smell that emanated from the world around him. He wanted to hear the music and follow it into the basements to just gaze in wonder at the musicians for the entire night. He would sleep on park benches, dusty fields, ratty railroad cars, beds he wooed himself into… Anything. Sleep was never the thing he was actively thinking about. It was life. And only life spent fully awake that he was in the pursuit of and sleep came only as a necessity. A dire necessity that he would only pay attention to if he absolutely needed to, after spending every bit of energy on the world around him first.
You saw some of the dangers of wanderlust through Dean. He wanted love and he wanted family. But he wanted them only as far as that they were there for him when he was done exploring. And, as a fault of his very vivid curiosity, he also enjoyed the process of falling in love and did it multiple times. He had three wives, twice divorced, and had kids in San Francisco and New York with different girls. Real responsibility that grew out of the romantic nights he melted into when they happened. Real life events reminding him that there are physical repercussions to the constant experience of life.
But even though he saw the children and loved the wives, there was nothing ever going to stand in front of his love for the world around him. He simply had to see more. He simply had to feel more. There was nothing, anywhere, that was too simple or far away for him to want to experience it. If the adrenaline was wearing off, Dean would find himself drinking whiskey in rough saloons and stealing a car to get home.
But one very evident fault of Dean was his selfishness. He just could not step outside of only what he wanted to do and when he wanted to do it. So yes, people wanted to spend time with him and girls wanted to love him but he was always alone in his final decisions. Always. As only a fault of his own maturity and respect for the characters around him. He didn’t seem to care about this but I am sure there are many lonely and ragged nights spent in his thoughts and questioning his sanity. Many. I think. Maybe not. Who will ever know?
And Sal (the writer of the book) was someone that was just itching to live. Like many other people, he burned to spend time with Dean because he was so attracted to the life that poured out of him. Regardless of how many times Dean burned him or showed his worthiness as an actual friend, Sal was always up for another adventure with Dean. Another day of just watching him interact with the stimulus of the natural world and see what comes from that. He was deeply inspired by Sal, enough to make his entire career off of books about their experiences together, and his soul surely died a little bit when he was in between their adventures.
I can read this book and feel so closely connected to both of these characters. So much of me, right now, is Dean. I am doing everything I can, anytime I can, to just throw myself into the experience of the world around me and apologize for nothing. My job now is to experience. Experience the world, smell its smells, listen to its music and create everything I can from those observations. And I am. I wish people even fully knew how much experience I throw at myself to see what is created from it.
I can climb mountains and swim in the ocean anytime I want. Sleep under the indigo skies with a fire crackling next to me and see what thoughts dance through my mind.
I go out into the world to live a movie every single day.
I can fall in love today. And I can throw it all away today. I don’t have to live by any rules at all, only the ones that I think are correct. I write love letters with an inky pen and candle flickering. I can understand my thoughts and even like them. When I write now, I don’t even know what will come out until the word forms itself on my notepad - For the thoughts are coming out that purely and I rarely feel the need to edit. I believe and respect what I have to say. I sleep and rest my physical body until I feel rejuvenated. I wake up and drink coffee until my thoughts wake up with me. And then I just sit there and write - People moving all around me but no one messing with me until I am done writing. I can get a picture and story from almost every single person that I have the desire to hear their heart. The world trusts me and opens up to me every time I interact with it. But the world also allows me my creativity and individualism and lets me have my space until it’s too much.
The world just waits.
So, for now, I give gratitude for the freedom and time I am given from the world and try my absolute best to create gold with the ashes I sift through.
Because I can promise you one thing - There is no ego to any of this.
A lot of it is actually pretty uncomfortable and I am not entirely sure why I have been given such a grand and free life. You’re not supposed to have everything you need and want. You’re supposed to live by some rules. You’re supposed to have some kind of routine.
Actually, if I’ve learned anything new during all of this, it’s that pure freedom actually lies in discipline
But I do promise you this - I am committed to using it to the fullest to share the light with the world around me. In any possible way, to alleviate the suffering of each and every person I can. And to hopefully inspire others to burn every bit as brightly.
