I am at the beginning over a long, overdue chapter. One with the grounding and foundation I have long known I desperate need but have resisted because I am aware of the dangers that come with stability. In this new chapter, I do the hardest thing imaginable for me - I learn to accept love in a committed, strong relationship.
I have long said ‘I travel the whole world just to search for a reason to stay still’… Knowing tthat reason would always be a loving relationship. But I have struggled immensely finding this over the past few years and can only now see the reason for all the tears.
I was never truly ready. I had walked 1,000 miles of healing, thinking my salvation was always right around the very next bend. And when it wasnnt, I tried to control the process and pick a shortcut to get there faster. Throwing away the compass and burning the map. I wasn’t ready so I chose paths that were dead ends and cost months of my life.
Intuitively, I didn’t feel I deserved my salvation.
I also knew I was delaying the love I truly wanted so that I could give more of my heart to the world around me. I knew that, if my love was poured into a committed relationship, there would be less to give to a world that was suffering and badly needed help. It was a precarious edge to dance on… If I kept pouring my heart into the world but not leaving enough for myself, there was a time limit to my struggling mental health.
But I was fine with being the martyr. With giving more than I received so the world could heal just a tiny bit.
But I knew that, if I gave too much and lost my battle with my mental health, then both sides suffered for no reason.
I finally let go of the wheel and a process I never had control over in the first place and everything started to flow again.
I controlled all I ever had power over anyways… Myself.
And created from the balance that was brought back into my life.
I put up fierce and formidable boundaries to conserve and protect my energy and, with that, I started to welcome people back into my intimate circle. Something more terrifying than any risk I’ve ever taken.
I let them in close enough to where they could destroy me if they desiered to. The last time I did this, I barely survived the destruction it brought into my mental health so this was no small risk at all.
As I allowed people to be that closer to me again, something even more beautiful happened - I started to heal from their love, moving me farther along the path towards the salvation I so desperately needed.
They didn’t hurt me. They made me stronger.
Their friendship allowed me to finally feel seen and through this, I felt lighter than ever before.
And, it was precisely during this time that the beautiful love I have always looked for walked into my life. In the face of impossible odds, the love I was always searching for found me on this path. And she wrapped me in a blinding light of warm love and strength.
Her love felt intuitively peaceful and kind - No chaos. No distrust. No drama.
Just a beautiful soul on her same path of healing, desiring the same magic I had always searched for. There was never any question. No fear stood any chance. The truth was felt in every moment together and burned far brighter than any irrational fear. This is what love was supposed to feel like - What my parents had always told me.
Every tear made sense now. Every sleepless night had it’s purpose.
All that searching served the most important reason there was - To help me heal and be strong enough for a love this real.
