Why.

Today, after so many years of struggling with habit, I truly start to understand why.

The habits I have, the ones I have in place to help me find my deepest creativity and connect to the source, are the ones that enabled me to have this beautiful life I have today. I never really used to think of them in terms of good or bad. They were ways that I shut the world off around me and went in as deeply as I could. It’s the tool that revealed my soul to me. It’s the gift that allowed me to know myself well enough to speak my truth.

Now, as I struggle at times with letting these habits die, as I step into a new chapter of life, I find it difficult to fully step away from them when I need my deepest creativity.

It’s like killing the one that showed me the truth. Turning my back on my greatest mentor. Putting up boundaries around the only river I ever knew, that always led me forward. Burying my best friend.

It’s not easy. I know I need to do it, to some extent, and find discipline with the influence I take from it. But when it’s just me, all alone with my soul, I find myself reaching out a hand to an old best friend for guidance. Knowing I’ll find warmth in its familiar embrace, even if I find myself crying after I do.