Here’s a micro perspective on how so many people struggle on such simple levels with perceived confrontation.

Imagine you go to a restaurant for dinner. The server comes up to introduce themselves to you. Now, if your mind is busy, you’re distracted or have minimal practice with social environments, you probably will just order quickly to get the social component finished with. You shouldn’t but that’s another story.

Lets say you order an ice tea and ask for Splenda with it. The server brings the ice tea but forgets the Splenda. You are frustrated (because of other things in your life lacking control but this is an easy one to vent on) but you don’t do anything about it except be mad. Your server is extremely busy, running all over the place, and you just sit there steaming. When they finally come to get the order for food, you have given in to your immaturity and anger and don’t even ask for the Splenda anymore. You drank half your ice tea and it’s fine. Okay enough to not have to ask for what you need. You would rather just tip poorly, a weak way to resolve your frustrations and punish the server for something they didn’t even mean to do.

Now, let’s say your pasta comes out with red sauce instead of white like you ordered. This is a very easy fix, if you’re paying attention, because as soon as you see it, you can just tell the server the issue and they will gladly fix it. Remember, the server is there for you and wants nothing more than to give you a good experience. They are fully aware that a good experience leads to a good tip but many also are just good people and want to ensure you enjoy your food and hospitality. If you tell the server about the sauce issue, they’ll handle it immediately and sometimes even offer something on top as an apology.

But a lot of people just can’t communicate. So now they’re frustrated over pasta sauce, one of the dumbest things that could steal away the joy of the experience, and are now resolute to just leaving a bad tip. ‘This is a bad server.’ ‘They shouldn’t even be in the business.’ Gossip. Judgement.

What they might not see is that server might have had to put their dog down just the day before. Their best friend of the last 12 years, that they are still deeply saddened by and trying to process. If you would’ve genuinely asked in the beginning how they were doing, they would have likely told you this event and you could have empathized throughout the entire experience differently. You would have likely forgiven something as small as Splenda, in the face of such tragedy. You would have probably even given a bigger tip, as a small token of love for the pain they’re experiencing. Even more importantly, you probably could have related a personal tragedy you have gone through also and been able to humanize the entire situation.

But that takes time. And that takes patience. And people are busy. Busy doing nothing. Busy checking emails from spam folders. Busy scrolling through pictures they will never remember. Looking at newborn babies on Facebook of people they might not have spoken on the phone with in 10 years.

So why not just ignore all of the information and live a cyclical life? That everything that goes wrongly is being done to you. That everything is personal.

That makes it basic. And now, you can get back to your dopamine.