Growing up, I was always sensitive. Always soft. Always emotional.
To me, it was normal… I thought that was how people were supposed to act. I didn’t know anything different.
But then, I went to school and started trying to make friends and I quickly saw that being so sensitive was going to be a problem. All the popular kids had the ego, the braun, the aggression. I didn’t necessarily want all of that but I did want to fit in somewhere and make some friends so I tried to toughen myself up as quickly as possible. I hid my feelings. I copied their braun. I smoked weed and drank because they did. I did everything I could to hide that soft heart within.
Inside, I was a personal wreck during all of this.
None of it was me but I made all these friends by acting like it was so, now, I was surrounded by people who had no clue who I actually was.
I did this all the way through college. The only times I would feel peace within myself was when I would go on a long hike by myself or was with family, who knew who I really was. (This is a big reason I still like my alone time and to disappear into nature or on the road).
Then, one day, my whole life got flipped upside down and there was no where left to hide. I didn't know how to talk to anyone about what I was feeling.
So I just ran.
Out into the wild with no direction. But I didn’t care because, out there, at least I could fully be myself again. There was no reason to be anyone else when I would meet all these strangers. (Actually, as many of you know, I was so scared in the beginning that I wrote a script and tried to be someone else but it failed miserably. No one trusted it or felt it was genuine. So I dropped the bullshit and put my heart out there. Something I had been hiding from for most of my life.)
With this vulnerability, every single stranger had a chance to use it against me. To see me as soft and judge me for being so. To confirm these fears I had always told myself.
I lowered my shield, opened my heart and closed my eyes, waiting for the consequence.
But, when I opened them again, I saw the whole world did the same, once they saw me do it first. I opened my eyes to everyone having their shields lowered and wearing their hearts on their sleeves. And they told me, without ever actually saying the words, that they have been waiting for someone to show them it was safe to do the same.
We had real conversations. We actually connected. Instantly. We dug in deep roots. We told each other the truth.
And felt rejuvenated by knowing we could just be ourselves.
So I came back with a fierce decision to do the same with friends and family. I deleted all of the social media and decided to fearlessly put myself out there, in person, to see what kind of relationships I could grow from that. And, as I kept true to that fierce authenticity (the same thing I wanted everyone else to be with me too) something really incredible happened.
I started to build deeper friendships all around me. Friendships where, from day one, we were always able to be ourselves. To lower the shield and take the mask off. You were a man and wanted to talk about feelings? Me too. You needed to cry? The emotion would just unfold naturally. There's going to be a time when I need to do the same. I dug in deep, unshakable roots with friends all the time who truly saw me, as I truly saw them too. And those relationships became a sanctuary for both of us. A refuge from the world.
Growing up, I used to hate that I was sensitive. I did every single thing I could to try and kill this part of me. But, as I tried to kill a natural part of me, I was dying right along with it. And I was so desperate to fit in somewhere that I didn’t even notice. Until one day, the whole world was flipped upside down and I saw that no one could help because they didn’t even know who I was. These are the moments I was suicidal. It was a horrifying and lonely feeling.
I will always be thankful I gave myself one last chance to go out and find the truth. To just see what would happen if I went out into the world to be unapologetically myself.
I expected the world to criticize me, ridicule me, leave me alone again. So then, at least I could have more resolve in such a final decision.
But it didn’t. The world met me in the middle and wrapped me in it’s embrace.
21 countries. Thousands of strangers. 90% 3rd world countries. No plans. Pure spontaneity.
When you allow people to be themselves, there’s no room for the bullshit.
And that makes life a lot simpler to just be.
I hope to inspire you all to go out and do the same. The world needs your heart now, more than ever.
See you out there.
