Why Learning Is The Greatest Thing We Could Do.

“When a man starts to learn, he is never clear about his objectives. His purpose is faulty; his intent is vague. He hopes for rewards that will never materialize for he knows nothing of the hardships of learning.

He slowly begins to learn - bit by bit at. first, then in big chunks. And his thoughts soon clash. What he learns is never what he pictured, or imagined, and so he begins to be afraid. Learning is never what one expects. Every step of learning is a new task, and the fear the man is experiencing begins to mount mercilessly, unyieldingly.

His purpose becomes a battlefield.

And thus he has stumbled upon the first of his natural enemies: Fear. A terrible enemy - treacherous and difficult to overcome. It remains concealed at every turn of the way, prowling, waiting. And if the man, terrified in its presence, runs away, his enemy will have put an end to his quest.

‘What will happen to the man if he runs away in fear?’

Nothing happens to him except that he will never learn. He will never become a man of knowledge. He will perhaps be a bully, or a harmless, scared man.

At any rate, he will be a defeated man. His first enemy will have put an end to his cravings.

‘And what can be done to overcome fear?’

The answer is very simple: He must not run away. He must defy his fear and, in spite of it, he must take the next step in learning, and the next, and the next.

He must be fully afraid and yet he must not stop.

That is the rule! And a moment will come when his first enemy retreats. The man begins to feel sure of himself. His intent becomes stronger. Learning is no longer a terrifying task.

When this joyful moment comes, the man can say without hesitation that he has defeated his first natural enemy.

‘Does it happen at once or little by little?’

It happens little by little and yet, the fear is vanquished suddenly and fast.

‘But won’t the man be afraid again if something new happens to him?’

No. Once a man has vanquished fear, he is free from it for the rest of his life because, instead of fear, he has acquired clarity - A clarity of mind erases fear. By then, a man knows his desires; he knows how to satisfy those desires. He can anticipate the new steps of learning, and a new sharp clarity surrounds everything. The man feels that nothing is concealed.

He will know at this point that the power he has been pursuing for so long is finally his. He can do with it whatever he pleases. His ally is at his command. His wish is the rule. He sees all that is around him.

However, power is the strongest of all enemies. And naturally, the easiest thing to do is giving in - After all, the man is truly invincible. He commands; he begins by taking calculated risks and ends in making rules because he is now his own master.

Love Letters Of Reflection On A Train Ride In Italy.

My time had certainly expired in Sorrento - The indulgence and comforts took me as far as they were going to, and were not serving me any more than a delay on the reasons I came here for. As fortunate as I feel for being able to experience such comforts, when it is just me by myself, I am very aware that my time is best spent closest to my creative heart or I really do begin to let my soul fall asleep. And nothing good can happen from there.

We are snaking through the Italian countryside with grand volcanoes to my right. Clouds are swirling around the tops of them, looking like Jurassic Park, but much more inviting. The base of them are dotted with old stone homes, their yards dotted with clothes hung from wires, blowing in the fresh air to get a scent that could never be bottled. One of my favorite movies is ‘Inglorious Bastereds’ and these homes look identical to the one in the very beginning. Such simple lives - I can only wonder who lives in them and what they could possibly do. There is surely no business so I can only assume they are gloriously self-sustainable, not having a clue what wars are being fought in different places in the world. Ignorance can be such a beautiful thing.

This morning, on my final day in Sorrento, I decided to get lost in the stone alleyways that dot the cliffs above my hotel. I didn’t think they would lead to much - Maybe a dead end or private property - But they ended up taking me on an adventure that led me for miles down cobblestone streets and tall moss-covered walls. I stopped for a moment to record and, as I did, a lady walked by and asked if I was filming ‘a documentario’. I told her I was - It was easier than explaining and in a way, we are - And she got so excited she told me to go up to her home to see her yard. I headed that direction but, since she was walking into town, I never ended up finding the exact yard. Regardless, I ended up in stone alleyways that were absolutely saturated with the smell of fresh citrus - With orange and lemon trees in every direction. Wooden shutters were open, with no screens on the windows. It was Sunday and the weather was warm so you could hear music and conversation coming from every open window. I took a lemon down (One is going to be in the package I’m sending tomorrow) and before I knew it, my hands and arms took on the same scent. It was really beautiful. 

I went a bit farther and I finally got the scent of fresh homemade Italian food emanating from one of these homes. I thought it was pasta but I then realized it was pasta sauce - I could distinctly smell the tomatoes and the oregano. So I let myself be led by that scent, honestly hoping I found an open window or grandma outside that I was going to ask if I could have lunch with them. I am sure they would have said yes but unfortunately, the scent led me to a closed down restaurant that one of the neighbors told me was long gone. I asked about the scent and he just smiled - But didn’t offer me any direction for where to go next.

I finally found my way back into the town - Now hopelessly late to check out from the hotel. I got some fresh salami and locally made Parmesan from the market for the train ride and then went back to pack up and head to the station. Now, my stomach is full and the train is silent - So I felt like writing a bit before dozing off, hopefully not waking up until the train pulled into Tuscany.

I know I frame a lot of that story to be glorious - And it truly is - But the truth is, today had a lot of lonely moments also. I am grateful that Jack will be here next week but the truth is - I have reached the limit on my solo long journeys for now. I just do not do as well when I am by myself for such long periods of time - I have chased the sunset for enough years on my own to see what I was running from. I suppose in a way - I surely still run from something - but I don’t run from those I care about anymore. I’ve reached the end of that tunnel, seeing there was nothing there except for the same lessons I would have to go through regardless. So I sunk into the healing necessary to be where I am at today.

I suppose also - I still have a bit of a belief that my best creativity can only come from the depths. And those depths are not places I am able to discover without going through a lonely process within that pain. I know this is true and that gorgeous, dark holes can surely bring out new layers of our imagination. But the toll it takes on my mental health at this point also does not allow the clarity it used to. I started this project with something to prove - Partially to myself and partially to the world - And at a point, you have to stop and look at how far you’ve come in doing so and appreciate the fulfillment that has been earned through the fire you’ve walked through. I know this will be my last trip completely alone, of this magnitude at least, and that is surely why there was some fear and apprehension in beginning it. These trips are the sole definition of why travel can be so transformative - True, complex, spontaneous travel at least (which only crazy fucks like me put themself into) - In that it strips away every possible superficiality that grew upon your identity when you went back home. And you are always left remembering that your body is just a vehicle for your soul, and this is an opportunity to be the best human you can be with these experiences. 

A very exciting announcement of the next chapter with this project.

Coming this next week, I couldn't be more excited to bring my project back to Europe, where this whole adventure first began.

-

Just five years ago, I was sitting in Coeur d' Alene, struggling with life as much as one human can. I had just gone through a very difficult breakup and was left in my home completely alone, not knowing a single person in this town. I fell apart and struggled to find purpose. I couldn't figure out how to meet new friends or how to have meaningful conversations anymore. I truly thought the only way this would ever work would be if I succumbed to social media and used that as a way to feel less alone. I tried. It made it so much worse.

I finally hit a wall and couldn't be alone any longer. I had really fallen into an emotional hole and was having thoughts that scared me so I knew I had to do something. Something at all. Something to keep me alive and moving forward.

I was waiting tables at the time and didn't have much money. But I just knew I wasn't going to make it if I stayed in that rut so, one day, I looked at a map and saw Europe. I felt the blood start moving again the moment I thought about the different cultures. The different architecture. The different smells and sights. It was the first time I had felt anything in quite a long time so I held onto it as much as I could. I started to daydream about getting there and being able to feel awake again, feeling creatively and personally challenged.

I knew what I had to do.

I looked at flights and, with money I had saved up waiting tables at restaurants, I booked a ticket to Copenhagen, Denmark (cheapest flight I could find). I had no plan other than that. And I barely had any money left over after the ticket so I figured I would scare the shit out of myself and have to figure it out.

One morning, the idea of train travel popped into my head. I absolutely loved this thought of being able to move around the many countries in Europe by train, a romantic and beautiful way to be closer to the cultures as I moved through them. But I surely couldn't afford a train ticket.

I Googled around and found that Eurail ran most of the trains in all of Europe. I went to their website and found their contact information and just put together a quick and passionate email about my trip, why I was doing it and why I wanted to involve trains into it. My idea at the time was to try to connect with strangers on the trains, as we're all stuck together for long periods of time, and would photograph the cities as I passed through them.

I never expected to even hear back from Eurail. Finally, they did and to my absolute surprise, they wanted a lot more information and asked a lot of questions. I went through the questions and answered them honesty and finally, after a lot of deliberation, they agreed to sponsor my crazy idea. They offered me a 'Forever Pass', which allowed me to travel any train, anytime, in all of Europe. It was the first of many dreams to come true from leaving my comfort zone.

I did NOT have much of a photography portfolio at that time and I was not very good at all. It was ONLY my passion in words that came through when they read it.

Since I didn't have much money after booking the flight, I figured I could sleep on the trains at night - Which took a big concern off of my shoulders.

I flew to Copenhagen, got an airBNB for the first three nights and that was it. There were no other plans at all. The first night I got there, I threw up in my airBNB I was so scared, knowing I had no clue what was going to happen or how I was going to figure this all out. If I was going to run out of money, where I was going to sleep, etc.

But all that mattered was that I finally felt alive again. I finally felt awake again. I had a fire that was burning in my heart again, fueling my curiosity and giving me purpose again.

Each and every day after, I just started to walk through cities with my camera. The curiosity alone fueled me to see more and more every day and, as I did, my creativity came back and I kept trying to challenge it. I would take beautiful photographs of the cities and architectures every day which kept me busy but, still, I wasn't leaving my comfort zone. I was wonderfully and safely hidden behind my camera - An observer to the world around me, where no one could ever find me. I knew I had to keep pushing myself. I was on this trip to be changed and to do that, I would have to do many of the things I did not want to do.

I started photographing people from a far. I liked the idea a lot because it allowed me to show people how beautiful the world naturally was. Each and every day, I would see people sitting in these beautiful frames, matching the colors and settings all around them. It was a lot of fun to just be curious and see how many of these situations I could find each day. I would photograph people from a far and then walk away before they ever noticed. I enjoyed doing it but each time, I felt myself choosing comfort instead of doing what I knew I needed to.

If I wanted to scare myself as much as possible, I needed to start saying hello to these people I was photographing. To interact with the world more around me. To put myself out there and quit hiding in the shadows but allow myself to be seen. But to do this meant to do what terrified me the most - To allow myself to possibly be rejected and misunderstood.

The very first person I approached and asked for their photograph told me no. It started with a rejection. But surprisingly, it did not destroy me as much as I told myself it would in my head. I found that the whole situation - The approach, conversation, eye contact, etc. - Got my heart beating more than it had in a long time. Even though it didn't work out well, I was too creatively excited to do anything but keep trying.

In the very beginning, I was so scared to approach strangers that I came up with and rehearsed a script. I would walk up to people and tell them 'Hello! I am going all over the world to take pictures of things I find beautiful and, in this moment, this is SO beautiful! Would you mind if I took this picture?' I thought it was elegant and confident. But, when I did, I found that almost everybody told me no. They didn't trust me and they sure as hell didn't trust the speech. They felt like they were being sold something or that I wanted something from them. When you approach a stranger, you have mere milliseconds to be able to earn someone's trust and if there is any disconnect at all, you will never get it and you will likely never get a second chance.

Even though I was disheartened, I was determined to continue trying. I had nothing else better to do and was pissed off at the disconnect so I wanted to figure out what was going on. And that is when something very magical happened.

After countless rejections, I was so beaten down by all the no's I had gotten, that I started to forget about the script and throw it away. I was tired and exhausted. But I wasn't ready to give up the idea yet. The more tired I got, the more vulnerable I became. And when I threw away the script, I asked people passionately, vulnerably, and then almost every single person said YES. I went from 90%+ rejection to 90%+ people saying yes.

What the hell was this?

I started to understand that people could feel my vulnerability and read it as something that was sincere and could be trusted. I still looked people in the eye and was excited when I talked to them and all this together started allowing me to get all of these photographs of strangers, almost anywhere I wanted them. I understood that, when I was vulnerable first, people always met me in the middle and were vulnerable with me back. This created very connected, meaningful conversations with each person I would meet and, best of all, I didn't have to be anyone but myself. And they knew that they didn't have to be anyone but themselves. This created a bond of trust and intimacy immediately and the conversation just flowed naturally from there.

This was when people started telling me 'I haven't even told this to my wife!' 'I haven't even told this to my father!' There was sincere and concrete trust and we both always felt completely safe, intuitively, to tell each other the truth and be human with one another.

Suddenly, I didn't feel nearly as alone in the world.

I started to see strangers as people I could welcome into my life and be a part of there's. As an introvert, I wasn't able to do this every day but I at least understood that it was always possible, if I would first leave my comfort zone and say hello.

I was lit on fire with passion and purpose from this understanding and couldn't stop moving. I would routinely walk 15-20 miles a day, looking for anything that excited my curiosity and then interacting with it to feel more connected to the world. This was NEVER easy (and still is not). Every time I would see someone I wanted to say hello to and ask for their photograph, the butterflies would start in my stomach and I would come up with 100 reasons why I shouldn't. Why it would be so much safer not to.

But I understood the process so I listened to these fears less and less as I continued.

I went to 8 countries, approaching hundreds of strangers and sharing in their lives as much as they shared in mine. But it wasn't until I was in Milan when things really went even deeper.

I was bouncing around countries on the trains and never had a clue where I was going or going to end up. I ended up in Milan and decided to hop off the train to check out the town and see what I could find. After I got out of the train and walked out into the station, I immediately noticed hundreds of refugees, standing all over the place either by themselves or in small groups. I wanted to learn more about their situations to better empathize and understand so I walked around until I saw a gentleman sitting on a concrete step by himself. I immediately saw the picture and knew I had to ask.

I walked up to him, introduced myself and politely said hello and asked for his photograph. He looked at me and stared for a couple seconds before quickly saying 'No.' Now, I was really exhausted at this point and, in that exhaustion, a bit of additional awkwardness arose and I blankly stared at him for a couple seconds after the no, having no answer to respond with. I really wanted the photograph but I didn't have the energy to really put myself out there and try to gain his trust. I just looked at him, holding my camera.

After a few seconds of brutal awkwardness, confused, he said 'Well, what are you going to do with it?' That woke me up. I said 'Oh! I am traveling all over the world to learn how to connect with the world and photograph the beauty of it. When I saw you sitting here, I immediately saw how beautiful this picture was and wanted to get to know you, if possible. I don't want anything at all for it.'

He stared at me.

Finally, he said 'Okay. You can get the photograph.'

I ran over to the spot where I saw the picture and quickly took it, capturing the same smile and beauty in him that I saw before I said hello. I ran up, excited, and showed him the photograph on the back of the camera, expecting him to give a quick glance and then go about his business.

But, when I showed him the photograph on the back of the camera, he reached out and slowly took the camera from me - Looking even closer at the photograph. I didn't know what he was doing but I was still exhausted so I stood there while he did. He examined the picture closely, a very slight smile forming on his mouth as he did. And finally, he looked up at me, now with tears forming in his eyes and said 'No one has ever asked to take my photograph before.'

Holy shit. Tears immediately started to well up in my eyes also. We just looked at each other, completely 100% vulnerable and connected in these brief interaction, and I knew exactly what he meant and why it was so significant. I saw him. But I didn't just see him, I interacted and said hello to him, really wanting nothing at all. Because I saw him and said hello, looking him in the eyes when we talked, he knew he wasn't alone in that moment and we both shared a very human encounter from there.

And it cost me nothing at all except for my pride and embracing my fears.

I realized right then that that's the magic of this project. It's not for the photograph or even the conversation as much as it is showing people that I see them - And allowing them to see me also. In that, we both felt less alone in a world that is constantly moving around us, seeing us but so, so rarely interacting with us - Making us feel like an extra in their movie. Like we are a ghost passing through. Even just a brief hello with eye contact is enough to remind us that we're not nearly as alone as we allow ourselves to believe sometimes.

From there, I knew what I had to do and I just threw myself into being as close to people as possible. I would say hello, ask for the photograph but then quickly put the camera away to just share in their lives with them. There was never a script to this. I never had a single clue what I was doing or what I was going to say. I just put myself out there and figured it out as I went, allowing the conversations to be very connected and genuine every single time.

I ended up going to 14 countries on that one trip. I spent over 130 hours on the trains in the first 30 days. I couldn't stop. I wanted to see as much as I could but even better, keep trying to understand this idea of vulnerability and authenticity. I kept putting myself in more and more difficult situations - Language disconnects, poverty, crime, everything. Whatever I could do to try to poke holes in this awareness and prove to me that maybe it was just luck.

It proved the opposite. Being vulnerable allowed me to connect with almost every person, almost every single time, no matter how extreme the situation was. No matter how different I looked or sounded than the people I was approaching.

It changed my life. And thankfully, countless others around the world. This project has now been to 20 countries, approaching thousands of strangers around the world and sharing in our lives together. I have done this in countries as complicated as Cuba. Countries as comfortable as the United States. Countries like Jamaica where I was ALWAYS the minority and always had to earn respect in each situation to be able to connect deeper with them. I went from a 90%+ rejection rate to now, I have less than a 3% rejection rate, as an overall average, combining every country I have brought this too.

It always works. It's always important. And it's the simplest thing of all - To just be yourself. Be vulnerable. And put yourself out there.

Now, I get to head back to where it all began. Back to Europe with another collaboration with Eurail, allowed to go to up to 32 countries this time to find connection and culture. I will be flying into Rome and only have a place for the first three days. From there, I will interact with locals to not just share in their lives but also to let them tell me where to go - So that this entire trip is spontaneous.

Join me on another beautiful, wild ride. Love you all.

Why I am so minimal with technology.

Those two parts should explain why I am the way I am with technology.

No social media. And no desire to be famous or in the spotlight.

I love my freedom and my solitude. And I found that sincere joy when I had nothing at all.

So, still to this day, there’s nothing you can offer me to take away from that understanding. And it takes all of the fun away from running if you can always contact me.

Still running - Part two.

I also was very depressed during the first few years of running (and this is still something I work through). So I was okay with dying but I come from a close family so I never wanted to commit suicide.

So I just decided to just live a life on the edge, teetering up to the void and trying to see how close I could get to it. I put myself in the most dangerous places in the world that I could. All so I could prove to myself a foolish point - That life was not worth living.

But it didn’t work.

No matter where I put myself, people felt my vulnerability and always treated me with kindness.

And that is NOT an exaggeration. Hundreds and hundreds of thousands of miles. 35+ countries. 25 of them being 3rd world countries.

I never had plans. I never knew what I was doing.

I learned during all of this that vulnerability and authenticity was the single greatest connector there was. And that it does not convey weakness - It actually conveys strength.

But if there’s any summation to everything I have learned - It’s that people really are good. I have been relentlessly observant, vividly aware of how people really are. These days, I am still running. In my lightest travel year so far, I have spent 5 months moving. But my heart is full of love and a desire to not feel alone anymore. So I pour my heart into the world so that others can feel less alone also.

But I am still learning how to let people be close to me. And not feel so scared when they are. I haven’t figured it out yet but this is definitely me trying.

This is the first time I’ve let the world in on my travels and what this mess can entail. If I had it my way, I would never show anything from it and happily run for the rest of my days. But I’ve learned that happiness is ONLY real when it’s shared - And I just hope that my story, and how I’ve made it this far, might shine a little light on those who are feeling the same thing.

We’re all in it together.

A long time ago, I started running. And I haven't stopped yet.

In complete chaos, with on direction, heartbroken and shattered - I started to run. I was a wounded animal and I didn’t know how to talk to anyone about what I was going through. I was terrified.

That’s why I didn’t want a phone and still resist them. I don’t want anyone to be able to find me because my trust in humanity at that time was shattered. I was shot with an arrow in the heart but it didn’t kill me. And these last 10 years have been me running into the woods with a blood trail always behind me.

I ran for so long on my own. As long as I could. But then, I ran out of money so I needed help. It was the hardest thing I had ever done at that time but I asked… And help was always given to me. I was shown that the world might not be so dangerous - But I still wasn’t sure.

That is why my entire life has been about showing the beauty of the world. Because I was really doing it for me. To me.

To show myself that the world is okay.

But then, I lost my best friend to an overdose. And I had allowed myself to trust a relationship again… But it fell apart. I was too scared to let it flourish. I didn’t know how to tell the truth. One part of me was too scared to let her in close enough to hurt me but, once she was, I was too scared to be alone again.

We fell apart. So I ran again.

Along these many years of running, I became an observer to the world. I still didn’t want a phone so I couldn’t be found so I had endless time to explore and just watch the world. I was just trying to make a better decision on if I should trust the world. I was waiting tables at restaurants, working on farms, anything to scrap together a few more dollars to allow myself to keep running.

These creative trips to scrounge for my inspiration.

A lot of these creative trips end up turning into beautiful rejuvenations of my individual creativity.

A new world, allowing me to navigate it as the main character, brings me to a new level of peace. A cold spot in the flames. They end up being the perfect mix of solitude, aesthetic experiences, conversations and life outside of the comfort.

I’ve dipped my toes gently back into reality but just for the mandatory minimum. Otherwise, I’ve just been sitting in my imagination, letting it burn as bright as it would like to.

These days I have too much.

These days, I feel like I am selfish. I hold onto all of my energy. I waste too much of it. And now, I just sit by with my tank on full.

I need it to write. I really do. And I’ve written more than I have in 10 years with this emotional clarity. But I don’t think I’m giving enough back to the world. I’m creating too little. I am manufacturing too much. I’m foolishly acting like life will last forever.

Like it’s a single player video game with unlimited lives. And no punishments - Only rewards.

Nothing is more important now than for me to delay gratification, at a time when I don’t need to at all. Because, If I can’t, I will have none of it saved up for the future. None of it for the time I’ll wish I had it. I’ll die young if I don’t.

And I don’t want to die young. But I’m scared quite a bit. Scared what life will be like if I don’t find love. Scared what life would be like if my parents wern’t around. What happens if I get old. If my dreams don’t come true. If things fall short of my expectations.

What this beautiful journey has led me into realizing.

At last.

Reality and imagination are the exact same. There is no difference. No need of trying to keep them different. Reality couldn’t have more colors if you tried. Your imagination doesn’t hold a candle to what’s already right in front of your face. 

I sit in this beautiful cabin, looking at the red wood trees, and I’m reminded so many times during this:

You do not have to keep seeking.

You always will. But you do not need to go to the ends of the earth to look for it.

You have it within you.

It’s all around you. It’s burning on every wing you soar through the sky with. It’s there. It’s always been there.

And you know that. 

I will give away the greatest secret of all.

I hope to inspire everyone to do what I am doing. To connect with the world. To interact with it. To learn from it.

So I will share with you the greatest secret of all.

The ability to communicate is nothing but an acquired skill. The ability to relate, communicate, listen and share are all just acquired skills.

So how do you acquire a skill? How do you refine a skill and get better at it?

YOU PRACTICE.

You practice as much as you fucking can.

Like every skill there is, you will make countless mistakes as you practice. You’ll mess up conversations sometimes. You’ll get scared and give up sometimes. You’ll get rejected sometimes. People won’t understand you sometimes.

All of that is perfectly fine. How many startups are out there that the founders didn’t fail miserably for a LONG time before they found success? How many startups are successful today ONLY because they persisted in the face of mistakes. And more than that, they learned from those mistakes and sharpened their skills, moving forward more concisely and clearly while doing so.

Now, here’s an even better part about this practice. You’re not practicing how to be a presentation. You’re not learning a script or how to ‘sell’ to people or anything like that. It’s strange but, you actually have to practice being yourself in conversation a lot. Speaking from a genuine nature that is crucial towards gaining trust in relationships. You have to learn how to be fearless in expressing truthfully and, the first times you do this, it might not go so well. This is the part where many people might not understand you. You might feel you said too much. Asked too much. All of that. But, in time, with lots of practice, you continue figuring out how to just be yourself as much as possible. To be present in those conversations and genuinely listen and learn from them.

If you have your phone in your face, ignoring the world around you, you are not practicing. You are actually regressing because there are people around you practicing and they are continuing to move forward. And the world is always moving forward, with or without you. There is no standing still. You’re either moving forward or falling backwards.

There is no stasis.

To learn how to communicate, in person, these days is one of the SINGLE MOST POWERFUL TOOLS you can possibly have. You can be yourself so you can share your heart with others. You can ask for help when you need it and you can give it when it’s asked of you. You can negotiate and not give up something that makes you bitter or resentful. You can be way smarter, way more intuitive and way more aware of what’s actually happening in the world around you.

SO PRACTICE.

Practice every single day. A great way to practice is to go to restaurants or sit at a bar with a beer. Leave your phone at home and strike up genuine conversations with the waiter. The bartender. The person next to you. You have absolutely NOTHING to lose in these situations and learning how to create a genuine conversation takes real world experience many times and here, you’ll have no limit to how much you can practice.

If you can communicate, the world bends in your favor and everything falls into place. But most importantly of all, you get to surround yourself with relationships that genuinely know who you are and what you need, because you were able to communicate it. And they will be vulnerable with you and do the same also.

Go practice.

A story I had to tell.

I wasn't going to write this story but, when I stepped back and thought about it, I think it's important to. If for nothing else but as a plea for all of you to please pay attention to the world around you.

-

I have been in Big Sur this last week, wonderfully unplugged and writing my heart out. More to come from that but, it's been one of the best creative weeks of my life.

Yesterday, as I was leaving Big Sur and headed back to the real world, I stopped at Bixby Bridge one last time to enjoy the view and reflect. I walked out to the middle of the bridge where there is a small inlet and bench that you can sit on (I have never seen anyone sit here though it's the best spot in my opinion) and sat there for a little bit, just enjoying the view.

After a while, it was time to go and I started to walk back across the bridge. Now, the bridge is sketchy to walk on - There's no shoulder (and 300-foot drop on both sides) and you have to wait for a break in traffic - So, as mentioned, I have never seen anyone else do it. But as I walked back, I noticed a girl about 1/3 of the way across the bridge walking towards me. When she saw me, she stopped, stood there for a second and walked back.

As I continued walking to the end of the bridge, I noticed her sitting right at the edge. I got closer and noticed she had no phone out, was all by herself and she was just staring off in the distance with a lifeless look in her eye. It looked like she had been crying a lot.

I got closer and was going to say something then but, for whatever reason, decided to put my things in my car first and come back. I quickly did that and drove my car to the parking lot and walked back to where she was.

As I got about 50 feet away, she stood up and started walking out on the bridge again. I ran faster and, when I got closer, she was already back out on the bridge, walking out to the middle.

I yelled 'Ma'am! Miss. Miss. Excuse me!' As I got closer. I was yelling over the sound of traffic and a million voices.

She stopped, in the middle of the street, on the bridge, and looked at me. Just stared at me with the same lifeless look, dried tears all around her eyes.

I said 'Hey... Are you okay? I noticed you on my walk back and you looked like you were going through some stuff. Can we sit for a moment and talk?'

Right then, in the middle of the highway, she exploded into tears. Sobbing in silence and just staring at me. But she wasn't moving. I sat on the ledge at the beginning of the bridge and said 'Can you sit with me for a minute? I don't want anything at all - Just to listen. Come off the bridge and sit with me.'

She finally did and very slowly, walked off the bridge. She just sat there with tears falling down her face, in complete silence. She sat down now and I sat a few feet away, wanting to give her space but also be close enough that she didn't feel alone.

(Now, a lot of people ask me 'How do you know how to talk to people?' And here's a great example of when I literally have no clue what to say. But I know VERY well she needs someone to just be there. I asked a few questions and she just nodded yes or no. But I also left lots of time for just silence. I wanted to sit close to her but I was definitely not trying to flood her with questions. I did want to get her mind off of what war she had been struggling with but, above everything else, I just wanted her to feel comfortable.)

I finally asked her if she just went through a breakup and she gentled nodded and then looked at me and said 'It's not just the breakup though. It's everything, all at once.'

I said 'Man, I know that feeling all too well. The soul crushing feeling of a breakup, especially when you're younger. There's nothing else like it - It feels like the whole whole world is ending.'

I asked her where her family was. She said she doesn't know how to talk to her parents about things like this. Her brother and sisters are older and living their own lives. I asked if she had a best friend and she said 'Yes, but we don't talk about things like this because she's always too busy. She's always too busy to talk to.'

Very slowly, she opened up more and more, still sobbing. She was just 20-years old. In school to be a teacher where she wanted to work with children (in preschool) because she loves kids.

About a month ago, she had found out her boyfriend was cheating on her and, when she confronted him, he broke up with her. Still though, she thought she was pregnant and was holding on to hope that she was because she just wanted a baby. Someone to have. Someone to love.

But today, she got her pregnancy test back and found out she's not.

She called her ex-boyfriend to tell him and said 'He was so relieved and so happy.' But she was devastated.

There's no words to say to someone going through that.

She was just crying and crying. I sat close to her and let her cry. I told her how healthy it is to cry, to process and to take as much time as you need to do so.

Finally, I said 'I know that feeling. I have sat exactly where you are sitting now, questioning life. Questioning how it could ever be better. In fact, the reason I am in Big Sur is because years ago, I came here with someone I loved very much. She cheated on me, broke up with me and left me all alone. I remember when that happened, I didn't have a single person I felt I could talk to. I didn't want to feel like a burden. So I figured it was over. I got so close to giving it all up but for some reason I'll never understand, I decided to give it one more chance. To try as hard as I could to find purpose and a reason to keep going. And today, I am beyond grateful to be here and to share my heart with others. These struggles end up becoming your medal of honor and, when you see all those children you impact as a teacher, I promise you, you will always know it was worth it. Today, you're my purpose for why I continued.'

We sat there for an hour. More than half of that time was in silence, just letting her cry. I wasn't going to go anywhere, as long as she was sitting there. Finally, I got her a book and wrote her a long note, thanking her for inspiring me to be more vulnerable. To show more emotion. To open up my heart to strangers and give them a chance to be there for me.

And then I wrote down my email address and phone number. I said 'I don't care if you email me. Text me. Call me. Facetime. I could care less. But please promise me you will and you'll let me know you're okay. You always have someone to talk to now. You're never alone, I promise.'

She pinky swore and then we had a long hug before saying goodbye. I sat and watched her walk to her car this time and finally drive away.

-

I write this post for ONLY ONE REASON.

While this girl was sitting there on that ledge, just minutes before walking out on that bridge, there were literally HUNDREDS of people all around her. Every single person was on their phone, taking selfies, recording videos and then walking away. Not one single person noticed her and if they did, not one of them just asked if she was okay.

That's all I did. I just asked if she was okay. I didn't have the perfect words to say. I didn't know what to say. But just saying SOMETHING was enough to possibly save her life, in that one single moment.

I beg you all to please pay attention. Take your selfies and pictures but after you do, please look around. Enjoy the view. Take in the surroundings. Notice people. Say hello to people. You don't have to have a long conversation, tell a story or anything at all. 95% of the time, I just smile, say hello and keep going. But if I didn't notice this girl, I don't know what would have happened.

I am only one person. There are so many people out there struggling that don't have anyone to talk to. You don't have to give up your whole day. Just give up a moment.

Just be human with me. All of us, together, might be able to take a little of the weight off of the world, at a time when it needs it most.

Love you all.

Every once in a while...

Every once in a while, I sit and edit my wedding photographs. And it hits me.

These are people that chose me. Me. To photograph one of the single most important days in their entire lives. To create photographs that not just them, but their children, their grandchildren, and so on… Will always look back at and cherish. In enough time, these are likely some of the only professional photographs future generations have of these people.

And I am the one with the paintbrush. The one that captures and creates the image that is who them and all their future generations always look at.

And they pay me for this.

A very long but very important story about Adderall.

Let me write a story about Ritalin/Adderall. This is all my personal experience and opinions.

I have always been a pretty crazy kid. I just have a lot of energy and love doing things, talking to people, exploring, seeing what I can, etc. I wake up every day with an energy, an intensity, that I just can’t wait to see and do more. 

That all sounds good but, when you’re a kid, they’re really trying to calm you down. That’s fair - You’re in a classroom setting most times and kids can’t be running around, not listening to the rules. But I think I was a pretty normal, rambunctious kid with a lot of energy. I was smart so I was inquisitive and many times, that came off like me questioning the rules and being insubordinate. Finally, this created some issues in the school and my parents took me to a doctor who prescribed me Ritalin. 

Let me say that again. In 5th grade, I was given amphetamines to help me sit still and pay attention.

I didn’t have a clue what I was taking. And I don’t want any of this to come off like my parents were bad parents. They were in a bad spot - Knowing they had a rebellious kid and wanting me to just sit there and get through school. At the time also, ADHD medication was somewhat new and people really thought it was the be all end all drug for solving these situations. 

And it did work. I sat there and I did what I was supposed to do. I don’t remember many of these times - In fact, I don’t remember a lot of my childhood - But this was probably just one of the contributing factors with it. 

Remember though, I was really, really young. And my brain was still developing, as it was also trying to adjust to putting amphetamines into it’s normal biology. The amphetamines took over everything though - Emotions, joys, worries, etc. It just made me a lump. A kid that was on drugs so I was too dumb to ask questions or think outside of the box. 

As I grew, I went through other ADHD medications, culminating in me taking Adderall as the last drug I took. I started on Adderall when I was in high school, still not really knowing that anything was wrong with it. After all, it was prescribed. By a doctor. And I had other friends who took it also… So there’s no way it could be that bad. 

Fast forward into college. Still taking Adderall. And it still worked. I would sit there in classrooms and stare at a desk, my mind numb from the dopamine it fueled me with. If I was tired, take an Adderall. If I couldn’t muster up motivation, take an Adderall. If I was depressed, take an Adderall. Need to read 30 pages of a book? Better take an Adderall to care enough to do so. I had formed this whole identity of rewards with it. Now, I couldn’t imagine living without it because everything was so boring if you didn’t take it. Who really would want to sit there in a library and study without these drugs? Who really could read for 12 hours, sleep for 4 and then take a test the very next morning?

I couldn’t tell you how many days were wasted because of these drugs. How many days and nights my soul just died, begging me to find something that naturally stimulated me but always being quieted by this pill. If there was anything I wasn’t excited about, I just assumed it was because I needed to take the pill to care about it. 

But then, one very important relationship happened. One that would end up changing my entire life and impacting deeply the person I am today. I met Stewart Yancik.

I was bouncing around college at that time, still a rebellious and crazy kid. I had no direction other than the basic plans that I’d get a business degree and move back to St. Louis to get a career, buy a house, build a white picket fence and weigh myself down until I wasn’t able to move again. I was in a relationship at this time and with a girl I loved very, very deeply. But I was a mess and she was a bit of a mess but for no other reason than being young, college kids at their first attempt at freedom. The Adderall was still a constant addiction in my life but now I was drinking and partying with it so less sleep. More foggy. But, when I woke up hungover, I always knew I could take that pill to feel okay. But there were other issues I was too dumb to notice. In between taking this pill and normal life was quite a disconnect. I was rebellious but my emotions were also very unpredictable. I was scared but not able to communicate it. I had a LOT of ego but no self awareness to even see it. It negatively impacted all the relationships around me but, worst of all, it negatively affected the relationship I cared about the most.

When I met Stu, on a treadmill in a college gym, he had seen I was watching poker on TV and asked if I played. He told me he did too and we became friends right off the bat. This is when online poker was at the height of it’s popularity so we made a plan to get together and play these long tournaments together. Many, many days were filled with 10-14 hour poker days playing these long tournaments. 

Since the poker tournaments were very monotonous, I definitely had to take Adderall to get through them. Stu watched me do this a few times before he asked about them and I told him it’s something I had done since I was a kid. He asked if I ever noticed how it made me different and I scoffed and laughed it off, being far too scared to even think who I was outside of this identity. 

But, as we continued to play, Stu kept calling me out on it. I love how blunt and honest he was and he would routinely say how dumb he could tell it made me. 

DUMB! How could I be dumb? Look - I am focused and sitting still. I read books all day long (even though I couldn’t really remember what I was reading).

‘It’s making you really dumb’ he would routinely say. ‘You have to quit that shit if you want to keep hanging out.’ 

And then he said the thing that woke me up immediately. The one phrase that made me quit, right then and there. He said ‘Do you know what we all call Adderall? The killer of creativity.’ 

I wasn’t even sure if I was able to. I had zero clue what it would be like to not have a pill to take to solve all of these ‘problems’. That would mean I would have to embrace my rebellion and energy and I had long been told that those things were negative traits. But what if I wasn’t able to sit still? What if I wasn’t able to sit in a library for 12 hours, staring at one page of a book? Then, I would surely be dumb.

Stu never relented. He called me out on what he saw, which was always the truth, until I agreed to take a break. It was pretty brutal - Withdrawals, sleepless nights, zero motivation at all. At the bottom of a pit of energy and no clue how to claw myself out. But Stu stayed close to me during this and kept reminding me that the goal was to actually be intelligent. To actually be able to think. Creatively.

I had never even though about creativity up to this point. Everything was binary, black and white. There was no world outside of the 12 inches in front of my face and I didn’t even want to think about it if there was. I had books to read. I had desks to sit in. I had rules to abide by.

But I kept weening off of this drug and I will forever be grateful for Stu for making me do so. Forever.

Because, the more I got off of it, the more I was able to think again. This was definitely an uncomfortable process in the beginning - I had years of squashed thoughts and emotions that were hidden under the surface of dopamine. They came up and now, I didn’t just have a black and white answer to them - They were full of color that I needed to understand. My creativity came back. I hadn’t felt it in so many years that I felt like a veil was being lifted off of my eyes. When my creativity came back, my inquisitiveness came back and that was surely met with some dismay but, now in a college setting, I was treated with maturity in this inquisitiveness. Instead of a teacher telling me to just sit still and not talk - Professors would have a real conversation with me and I was able to answer the questions I had. In fact, they welcomed it. They treated it as a sign of intelligence and fostered it as it continued to grow. They didn’t see it as a danger but as the foundation for critical thinking. 

And suddenly, for the first time ever, I didn’t feel bad for being the person I naturally was. I knew that I was never trying to hurt, annoy or pick on anyone with my questions - They were just genuine questions that arose as I was listening to them talk. And I was just trying to understand more.

Then, everything started to shift. I realized I didn’t really want to be in business at all. I had no desire to sit in an office, crunch numbers and talk around a water cooler. With my rejuvenated creativity, I became intrigued to learn so much more than ever before about more topics. I wanted to understand people better. I wanted to understand communication better. For the first time in my life, I truly wanted to learn about everything - But only the things that truly excited me.

It was during this time that I was told a quote I still live by and tell people today. I met an old man in the basement of a bar called the Crossroads in St. Louis. I told him that I wasn’t really able to pinpoint what I wanted my major to be because I wanted to learn everything. But I kept saying ‘I know you’re supposed to decide. But I don’t know what to do.’ 

And he told me ‘Son. Go to school for the education. Not for the piece of paper.’

Boom. That’s what I truly wanted to do. I wanted to learn about sociology and psychology. But I also wanted to combine that with a better understanding of communication to know how to implement that knowledge. I also knew that I would really struggle in a corporate or office setting because of my curiosity so I started to think about entrepreneurship. So I studied business again but from this new perspective. 

I still struggled with sitting through classrooms all day and studying in the library. But thankfully, my inquisitive personality opened up relationships with almost all of my professors. The more we talked, the better I was able to understand and the better I did in their classes. But it also gave me a HUGE advantage over the rest of the class because, as I learned how to develop these relationships, I grew real connections with my professors. We looked forward to sitting and debating after the class about things we differed on. I would stop by their office when a question popped in my mind and we would have a real dialogue. These conversations were very creative because they were inquisitive so I got to really understand what they were teaching from a very real and applicable viewpoint. 

This is how I learned conversation. Especially how to have balanced conversations with people that were smarter than me. Older than me. Knew more than me. This is when I learned how insanely valuable it is to be able to learn from people that know more than you because they WILL TELL YOU. They will tell you everything they know, if you just ask and genuinely listen. You can get 10 books of knowledge in one long conversation and it was actually digestible because it was personal.

Everything changed during these times and they would have never in a million years been possible if I hadn’t found my creativity again by getting clean off of Adderall. I would’ve kept punching the clocks. Leaving the stones unturned. Waiting in line for whatever was left for me at the end. I would have taken my paychecks. Bought what I could with them. Followed the rules. Paid my taxes. 

And never ever be disruptive enough to think I might be able to change the world.

See, when I was on Adderall, I wasn’t a writer. I wasn’t a photographer. I wasn’t a dreamer. It wasn’t possible. There was monotonous tasks to do and more dusting and vacuuming that had to take place.

But when my creativity came back, the world was drenched in color again. I was truly alive again. I wanted to rebel against my own rules I had set for myself in this conformity and was destined to see everything I could. It was only in that curiosity that I started taking pictures. And only by taking pictures did I find a way to make a difference in peoples lives. And, by making that difference, I was shown the true power of purpose and the fire it burns within you. 

I have never done any drugs in my entire life except for Adderall, weed and mushrooms. Because of my experience with Adderall, I am utterly terrified of things that make you ‘dumb’. I have no desire to try these things (Even though I don’t judge those that are curious enough to). I only have a desire to do things that open my eyes up even more. That cause my soul to burn brighter. And my heart to bleed more for the world around me.

From this perspective alone, so many of my dreams have come true. I don’t go for dopamine anymore - I got for serotonin. And I don’t go for any cheap highs. I go for the ones that are the most difficult to find. The most challenging to get. 

Now I get purpose from giving my heart to the world. And using the talents I found in my creativity, in my rebellion, to leave the world better for the love I give it. 

And if I didn’t rebel, I would’ve never believed that was possible to do.

Looking back at where this last chapter really began. Part one.

Part 1.

I started this last chapter with absolutely nothing. About 8 years ago, I was determined to try to be an agent in Los Angeles. I was obsessed with the show Entourage and was dedicated to trying to be an Ari Gold (though a nicer one, maybe).

I saved up $900 while waiting tables in St. Louis, where I am from, and figured that was enough to make it to California and go after this dream. However, I made a long stop in Fort Collins to see a friend and wasted away most of the money, only having $300 left after my time there.

I told my friend there that I would have to go home - $300 was not enough to make it to California - And I’ll never forget, he asked me to come sit on the roof with him. We sat on the roof and smoked a joint and he said ‘Adam, you’ve already gone home and restarted. You will always know you can do that. But, if you go West from here, that is the point of no return. Go west.’

So I did. I remember being in Reno, Nevada and writing down that I had $37 left to my name. I was at the end of the rope with no job and no one to give me any money. So, I made a post on Facebook about my situation and had a friend tell me his brother had a farm I could work on. I went there for a month and did hard labor to save up $300 so I could keep going. I remember I was sleeping on a futon when he threw the money on me. I woke up and realized that was enough and started packing immediately.

I was still in Northern California with this $300 and had quite a bit of driving to do. I remember camping at Big Sur during these times. I could never afford the $50 campsites there so I would just hang out in the parking lot by the Big Sur River Inn and talk to locals to try to figure out where I could sleep. One local reached into a mason jar and handed me a huge handful of weed, with a big smile on his face. Another local heard the trip I was on and offered to buy me a beer.

To this day, that was still one of the best beers I had ever had. I didn’t even have enough money for food with the beer but I didn’t care.

This was one of the first experiences I had that really taught me true joy.

I would allow myself $5 a day during these times. That was only $5 I was allowed to spend on everything - Food, water, place to sleep, etc. I would scrap together whatever food I could (usually just more ramen packets) but, in an attempt to keep my morale up, I would give myself an indulgence. The Big Sur River Inn had a market and, every day, I would let myself buy a $1 can of Dr. Pepper for my treat for the day.

I would get that can of soda and sit in the river each day. You could have told me that can was worth a million dollars and I would have believed you. I looked forward to it every single day.

I also noticed a very small island out in the river in Big Sur that was in between two peoples properties. I figured no one owned this island so, EVERY NIGHT (when it got dark so no one could see me), I would pick up my tent, blankets and water bottle and I would trudge through deep water to get to the island. I would pitch my tent, go to sleep and wake up at sunrise to break it back down so no one ever saw me.

I left Big Sur and headed south and finally, I made it to Los Angeles with $27 left. No job. No opportunity. I had one pair of nice pants and one button up shirt (both that were badly wrinkled at this point) that I would have to use to go out and get a job as quickly as I could.

Thankfully, my sister lived in Los Angeles and offered me a couch to crash on for a short time. I will never forget getting to her place, where she cooked me a chicken quesadilla, which was the first meat I had eaten in over a month.

This is where it all started.

Owing a wrench.

Being able to take pictures is like knowing how to use a wrench. 

I don’t care if you have a wrench. Or know how to use one. Everyone does. 

I care about what you can build with it. 

A reflection from a personal situation I had in Jamaica.

A man is in Jamaica and runs into a grocery store. While waiting in line, there is a grandma up ahead, checking out with all the staples. Eggs. Bread. Milk. When the cashier tells her how much the total is, she tells him she can’t afford it and he shows her what she has to put back. 

The man immediately notices it and says ‘I’ll pay for all of that.’

The grandma stops and walks all the way to back of the line to thank him, with tears in her eyes. 

‘How can I repay you?’ She asks the man. 

‘Teach me out how to be happy.’ Is all I ask. 

‘I just did.’

These mountains still have stories to tell me.

I just laid in a stream bed for an hour and basked in the sunshine. I went to see some rams I saw while driving and maybe get a picture. But once I was there, the sun graced me and I felt very at home so I just laid down and gave my body the rest it deserves. 

It’s a bit strange to me when I stop to think about it all.

Because, when I lay down and dream, my body tells me it’s always been here. Maybe my physical body left but this is the place where my body found home and it remembered it well. Those beaches I used to sleep on. The caves I’d find for an afternoon nap. These parks. When no one ever knew where I was or where I was going - not even myself. 

This is my actual home. 

That’s why my heart cries out to me when I am in my home in Coeur d’ Alene, telling me it’s not time to rest there just yet.

These mountains still have stories to tell me. And there’s still so much time to use that inspiration to light the whole world on fire. 

Why aren't my pictures good?

They ask me ‘Why aren’t my pictures good?’

‘Because you didn’t have to risk dying to get it’ I tell them.

They think I’m joking. So they keep going. 

I am not really doing anything.

Most of the time, I’m not really doing anything.

Just scouring the whole world for the words to finish my poem. 

A conversation I had with a stranger this morning.

This morning, I was talking to the front desk about Anthony Bourdain and when he went to Ensenada. She told me she had never heard of him so I told him to check him out.

A guest at the hotel overheard me saying that and asked ‘Did you see his documentary? It’s so depressing. Don’t watch it - Wait until it comes out to see it at home if you have to.’

And I thought for a second… People don’t have a single clue what it actually means to have a personality like Bourdain. Speaking from a personal observation, as someone who thinks he is a very similar traveler to him.

It’s a reminder that most people have no idea the amount of chaos that is mixed around and inside of a mind like that. The loneliness, the poor decisions, the late nights and heartbreaks. The doubts. The fears and questions. The mistakes and regrets often dwelled over.

The search. The relentless, endless, merciless search for something. Anything. To fill that hole and quiet those doubts and regrets. That search goes all over the world, in every possible place that you think you might be able to find it. But you never actually find it because you learn later - The thing you were searching for could have only come from within you. And maybe from a strong relationship that keeps you tethered to the real world.

So you numb yourself to the realities of the search and enjoy a life of pure adventure along the way.

That journey surely is lonely and strange.