I spent so many years going out and trying to find a good way to die, forcing me to be very present and aware as I did.
It was only later I realized that’s not how you die.
That’s how you wake up.
If you want to die, you stay still and fall asleep.
Sleep is the cousin of death.
Lost and dirty on the road. At home, my sweet soft girl.
The road is the final frontier of true stillness. Searching by every part of your brain for the thoughts and emotions that only come through when you sit the fuck still for long enough. It adds kindling to your imagination. No where to run. No distraction to be found. Just you and every feeling you’ve been putting off. Burning off the dead wood.
You can find a new stranger to talk to anywhere you look… Or be completely untethered and anonymous to the world around you.
Everything is there, though there’s nothing actually to be found. It’s your platform to grow and explore within yourself. To wrestle and tangle with the emotions that leak through. And it might take you one trip or 1,000,000 miles but the goal is to always find that what you were looking for was always within you.
Only then can you be truly free.
Don’t worry about anyone else.
Most people barely have a clue what they’re doing in their own personal lives, let alone what someone else is.
No one is watching your every action. No one even cares. No ones paying attention. You’re a background character, at most,in the large majority of peoples stories.
Be free.
Learn to listen and trust in yourself. To do that, you have to stop looking outside yourself for information on how to proceed. How to navigate. It’s your puzzle to wander about. It’s your own reward throughout.
Do everything you do for only you. Don’t do anything to show others what you’re doing. There’s a void there that needs to be addressed and it can be an addicting loop to get stuck in.
Show people only the minimum - Do it all for your own personal reasons and then just let it out there.
All these experiences are there to serve as reminders for what we already have.
Nothing more. Nothing less.
And I don’t think we can have one without the other.
It’s contrast.
It’s seeing what’s already there before we lose it
That’s truly how to live a life with no regrets.
The habits I have, the ones I have in place to help me find my deepest creativity and connect to the source, are the ones that enabled me to have this beautiful life I have today. I never really used to think of them in terms of good or bad. They were ways that I shut the world off around me and went in as deeply as I could. It’s the tool that revealed my soul to me. It’s the gift that allowed me to know myself well enough to speak my truth.
Now, as I struggle at times with letting these habits die, as I step into a new chapter of life, I find it difficult to fully step away from them when I need my deepest creativity.
It’s like killing the one that showed me the truth. Turning my back on my greatest mentor. Putting up boundaries around the only river I ever knew, that always led me forward. Burying my best friend.
It’s not easy. I know I need to do it, to some extent, and find discipline with the influence I take from it. But when it’s just me, all alone with my soul, I find myself reaching out a hand to an old best friend for guidance. Knowing I’ll find warmth in its familiar embrace, even if I find myself crying after I do.
Intuitively, you’ll remember that you don’t have to take things too seriously. No one knows what they doing here. You’re a background character in everyone else’s movie and unless you’re family/close friend, they never actually do think about you.
We’re here for just one short time. And it’s for no other reason than just experience as much of life as possible. To play. To try. To learn. To see.
People forget about you quickly. It’s not personal, it’s just how life goes. Think about how even the most tragic deaths, it’s rarely more than a few people that remember it just a year later.
That’s not a dismal thing to think about though. It should spark a light within you. Light you on fire to burn as hot as you can. It’s all we have so why not try and leave as many stones turned over as possible.
You are bound by nothing.
I'm going to give some simple advice I have learned time and time again over the last 7 years. Tested and true all over in the world, no matter how different people may look or sound than you.
1. Be kind. That's not some cliche, hippy-dippy thing. It means being kind because it makes the world a better place.
Almost every single time, when you demonstrate it first, it is given back. Many times, it's given back more than you gave. And, after all, aren't you are always hoping people are kind to you so why not set the example?
Even better, kindness is not viewed as weakness... But as strength. Now, when I say kind, I definitely do not mean naive, soft, irrationally optimistic or blind kindness. I mean being good to people, saying hello to strangers, looking them in the eye. Genuinely meaning the words you say and the questions you ask. Genuinely listening when they respond.
2. Even crazier? Smile. Smile when you see people in the world. Make eye contact with them. Make it your auto-pilot response to where you don't even notice you're doing it.
Why?
99% of the time, when you smile first at someone, they automatically smile back and this gives you a really beautiful (and rational) perspective on the quality of humanity around you. It makes people (and you) more approachable.
It disarms people.
It's intuitive.
It opens up the world to you.
3. Be yourself. Again, not a cliche, hippy-dippy thing but an authenticity-is-always-perceived as strength thing.
It takes guts to be authentic in new situations, especially with strangers. It opens up the door to someone not liking who we are. And this hurts. But what's the alternative? Someone liking us for something we're not seems a lot lonelier and stranger.
We're not meant for everyone to like us - That's not the point.
Do you like every single person in the world? I sure don't. But those I do, I love deeply.
4. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. Be vulnerable and authentic when you do.
From anyone.
Now, again, be intuitive.
But with intuition, it's good to remind ourselves (through action) that the world is a good place and most people are there to help.
Rationally, objectively, a good place.
Are all people good? No. Are the large majority? Yes.
And there's 8 billion people out there.
Even more importantly, this allows us to be an active part of the world. When we ask for help, we form genuine relationships with people and give them permission to ask us for help in the future. We all need that.
5. Never underestimate how important experience is for our development. The world is made up of information and we only develop past a certain level when we're in new experiences and situations... Especially those out of our comfort zone. It forces us to be present. To pay attention. To be intuitive.
Being present and paying attention makes travel and new experiences every bit as rich as they should be. And when you are, you're a hell of a lot smarter than you'd think you were.
Now go have fun.
The only way life would be even more blissful was if I didn’t have a phone. And no connection to the outside world during this time of magnificent inspiration and creative madness. Without walls. Without limitations. The universe giving me everything to expand upon myself, helping me continue to find out how to be closer to the world and helping it along the way. The universe has truly given me the freedom to figure out how to use my gift in a way that creates the biggest impact. And I don’t want to waste that potential, though it is a bit of a messy process. Just music. Isolation. Whatever elevates my depth of thought. Aesthetic experiences of every kind. Conversations at the right times. Dipping in and out of normalcy anytime I feel like.
Blessed to the purest form of the word. Grateful for the opportunity.
It is strange though. This messy process both benefits me but also holds me back. It’s a little too messy for the current chapter I’m in - but it always rejuvenates a part of my soul and keeps life full of dramatic color.
It’s like I have the whole world. Like the whole world is mine. To just explore, enjoy and play in. I can navigate it with comfort and appreciation and am continuously excited with every new thing I learn along the way.
It’s all just a game to me. And even the lowest moments just feel like a part of how the game is played. The entertaining parts are the ones for enjoyment and the difficult are a necessary part of growth and development. Each time makes you wiser. Stronger. More objective. Helps you master yourself more and more. The smarter you are, the greater your power and influence - Which you can use for good or bad. When you use it for good, it is given back to you 100x over. To use it for bad is to give in to your ego, to your shadow, and let your insecurities control you with fear. To be confident means to do well in the world. The more you give, the stronger and more content you will be. You create more of what you want to see in the world and empower each person you touch to go out and do the same. To start the ripple effect that grows exponentially in every direction.
To do this is to take the difficult path in life. But you realize that the difficult path is the one that provides the best overall experience. It’s makes everyday a new adventure. A new experience. A new bliss.
So you fall asleep each night with a different dream.
When you are an artist, you do not ask for permission. That’s not your job. We have billions of people put there following the rules and keeping society together - Your job is to show those 8 billion people a better perspective. A different way of doing things. A more beautiful life.
The people I am most inspired by are the ones that are already at the gym when I get there at 7am.
They’re already drenched in sweat, intensity in their eyes, in their own world of dedication. They’re my hero’s.
They’re the ones that inspire me the most in my mornings.
You’ll never see all of the decisions and disciplines that went into place to make sure they’re there at that time. The personal battles they had to face to set their alarm for 6am, get out of bed and be there… For absolutely no reason.
There was invitations they may have had to decline.
TV shows they chose not to watch.
Beers they didn’t drink.
All of the hedonistic pleasures that were available to them. All to suffer first thing in the morning, for no one but themselves.
I am at the beginning over a long, overdue chapter. One with the grounding and foundation I have long known I desperate need but have resisted because I am aware of the dangers that come with stability. In this new chapter, I do the hardest thing imaginable for me - I learn to accept love in a committed, strong relationship.
I have long said ‘I travel the whole world just to search for a reason to stay still’… Knowing tthat reason would always be a loving relationship. But I have struggled immensely finding this over the past few years and can only now see the reason for all the tears.
I was never truly ready. I had walked 1,000 miles of healing, thinking my salvation was always right around the very next bend. And when it wasnnt, I tried to control the process and pick a shortcut to get there faster. Throwing away the compass and burning the map. I wasn’t ready so I chose paths that were dead ends and cost months of my life.
Intuitively, I didn’t feel I deserved my salvation.
I also knew I was delaying the love I truly wanted so that I could give more of my heart to the world around me. I knew that, if my love was poured into a committed relationship, there would be less to give to a world that was suffering and badly needed help. It was a precarious edge to dance on… If I kept pouring my heart into the world but not leaving enough for myself, there was a time limit to my struggling mental health.
But I was fine with being the martyr. With giving more than I received so the world could heal just a tiny bit.
But I knew that, if I gave too much and lost my battle with my mental health, then both sides suffered for no reason.
I finally let go of the wheel and a process I never had control over in the first place and everything started to flow again.
I controlled all I ever had power over anyways… Myself.
And created from the balance that was brought back into my life.
I put up fierce and formidable boundaries to conserve and protect my energy and, with that, I started to welcome people back into my intimate circle. Something more terrifying than any risk I’ve ever taken.
I let them in close enough to where they could destroy me if they desiered to. The last time I did this, I barely survived the destruction it brought into my mental health so this was no small risk at all.
As I allowed people to be that closer to me again, something even more beautiful happened - I started to heal from their love, moving me farther along the path towards the salvation I so desperately needed.
They didn’t hurt me. They made me stronger.
Their friendship allowed me to finally feel seen and through this, I felt lighter than ever before.
And, it was precisely during this time that the beautiful love I have always looked for walked into my life. In the face of impossible odds, the love I was always searching for found me on this path. And she wrapped me in a blinding light of warm love and strength.
Her love felt intuitively peaceful and kind - No chaos. No distrust. No drama.
Just a beautiful soul on her same path of healing, desiring the same magic I had always searched for. There was never any question. No fear stood any chance. The truth was felt in every moment together and burned far brighter than any irrational fear. This is what love was supposed to feel like - What my parents had always told me.
Every tear made sense now. Every sleepless night had it’s purpose.
All that searching served the most important reason there was - To help me heal and be strong enough for a love this real.
(Written from our cruise)
Out in the ocean, we finally see land again. The sun rises from it’s slumber in a blinding, orange ball of light. It wakes me up with it’s glow, as it shows me a side of it that my mental health needs to stay light.
That warmth. That magic.
That feeling of beautiful life and possibility that comes with a new day.
That, no matter what battle was fought yesterday, you’re starting with a clean coat of armor. One with no dents or scratches, yet you know they will eventually come back.
I can surely feel some self doubt here, creeping back in to remind me of the work that lies ahead. But then my soul reminds me that I am not the one in control - I’ve never been. It’s always been just me and God. And there has never been a single thing to worry about - Unless it makes the process more enjoyable to do so.
But that really is the beauty of being out here in the vast, blue ocean.
A reminder that we truly are insignificant and always have been. To swallow our own bullshit and find a way to enjoy the process or we’ll waste it. And, to me, the purest way to enjoy this gift of life is to stay out in the ether… As far away from our comfort zone as possible.
To try and use every chance we have to connect with the world around us so we can find the missing puzzle pieces.
I think a lot of people think I’m doing something special but honestly, I‘m only trying to stay human. With everything being digital or plastic, we are losing our ability to stay flesh and bone. All we do in our society today is try to show the world how invincible we are when, to me, there’s nothing more human than to remember we’ll die someday.
It’s that fear that moves us forward into the life we can truly live.
We think too much. We feel too little.
And everyone is spending their lives trying to put on as much armor as possible.
And I’ve always just been trying to find a way to die.
You all go to church to find god in the cities.
I found where he built his vacation home.
In Big Sur.
If you look outside yourself for others to validate a creative fire they can’t even see, you’re setting yourself up for an impossible situation. One that is very unfair to yourself, the world and the purpose you’ve found.
It would be like falling in love with a song or painting (one that you listened or looked at every day to find your bliss) and then looking for others to feel the exact same about it. To validate the same very personal feeling you have.
And then if someone else (who maybe couldn’t even hear the music) said they didn’t like the song, how crazy would it be for you to think the song might not be as beautiful as you thought it was?
Maybe they needed to hear it in a different environment? With better speakers?
Maybe it would help if you told them first why it was so special to you?
Maybe the very next person might think its the greatest song ever written?
None of that matters.
All that matters is to you, that song is how you find your way through the darkness.
I have a lot of people that ask me how I talk to strangers. And I tell them one thing above all - Talking to strangers, like anything else, takes practice. Not practice to say the perfect word in every sentence but practice to overcome fears and be authentically yourself throughout all of them.
It actually takes practice to not think about all the words coming out of your mouth and just be truly present, with a clear mind.
Authentic, balanced conversation requires a lot of energy and focus for it to flow through the curious ups and downs it will naturally take. All of these twists and turns deserve your focus and clarity.
Diminished intrigue or curiosity is noticed, intuitively, immediately, can be difficult to recover from. It can make a conversation start to feel forced or, even worse, transactional, and if it does… It will always end shortly after.
Like with any practice, it will feel awkward in the beginning. You will feel dumb. But, like with any practice, through repetition, confidence will trickle in and give the much needed foundation to continue.
I can promise you this - Authentic conversation is worth practicing because it will open up the whole wide world to you. The world is full of information and wisdom and, the more you interact with it, the more you grow each and every day.
Why do we force things that just don’t fit? Why do we resist what we so strongly know to be the truth?
It has always been our guiding light and when we ignore it, we fall apart.
It’s like leaving a perfectly groomed trail that is leading us towards the destination we were hoping for. We leave it and then we get bit by a snake, cut up by thorns in the bushes and hit a big rock wall… And still refuse to just go back to the trail.
The trail has always been there. And it’s only illuminated by our pursuit of purpose. Our intuition is the guide.
It will always be the path of least resistance.
I was lucky enough to learn the beauty of authenticity the hardest way possible… When I first left home in my early 20’s.
I was running away from everything and everyone, heartbroken and terrified, poor and with only a few things I could fit in my trunk. No job. No outside support. Running away from a loving and safe home into the pure and feral wild, without a single plan of survival other than to head west.
Everyone told me I was foolish and unhinged but something deep in my soul kept their critiques to only a whisper. There was already a spark in me that was moving towards the dry brush where the wildfire would take place. The wildfire of purpose, passion and freedom. One that was sure to grant eternal life.
That very first night I left, I slept in a rest stop… In the back seat of a sedan. It didn’t recline and I couldn’t even stretch all the way out. I had always thought such a scenario would make me feel scared and dirty but it didn’t… It did the opposite. It made me feel free.
I drove endlessly. I stopped in every desolate and blank town I could find. I had nowhere to be and nowhere to go. I watched these new worlds of people living in vastly different lives that what I had ever seen or noticed. It might as well been a different planet with a different species.
A police officer pulling into the driveway of his simple, unassuming home. Grass that was desperately needing to be mowed. A broken down car in the garage.
A waitress smoking a cigarette and staring lifelessly at the broken cement below her feet. I don’t think there was a single thought going through her mind.
A rancher loading his dogs in the back of his truck, dirty forehead, dirty boots and dirty hands. A gentle lightness about his aura.
These were their lives. They knew nothing else.
I had no phone and no laptop so this was always my movie. Some people have big TV screens… I had the dirty windshield of my car. The movie I was watching was always changing, always new, always real. And best of all, if I didn’t want to just watch the movie, I could just put the window down and be in it. I could hear the noises myself. I could smell the smells all around. I could jump in the lake I saw through my windshield and immediately feel completely alive.
Completely present. No past. No future. Just there in that one perfect moment.
I learned, intuitively, during these years that we are simply not meant to still if we want to survive. We’re not meant to always be clean. Not meant to watch the movie on a plastic screen.
We are here to experience everything we can, in all of it’s entirety, in all of it’s color. We are simply petri-dishes that become our environment, mixed together by all the experiences we put into our life. The experiences that end up becoming the blood that courses through our very veins.
If you truly want to save yourself and be alive, burn down all of your comforts and walk back into the unknown.
That’s where the gods have always been waiting for you.
This life is all we have. The only way you can ever wake up from the dream is to sit still and die.
Up here in the mountain, my soul feels like it can finally rest. A deep breath I often find myself in my day to day life in the city. If you stay properly disconnected from the play, your mental health is at peace because you’re back in the flow, where we’ve always been and always should stay.
In the flow, there’s nothing to overthink because our bodies know exactly where we are. When we know where we are and why we’re there, we can just be.
Be ourselves and nobody else.
And what freedom and what bliss there is in just being.
No costume to wear. No armor to assemble. No act to recite.
When I sit at home for too long and do not move, I get depressed. And when I get depressed for too long, I get scared. And there’s absolutely no room for fear in this life. Life is far too short and I’ve always embraced the practice. The growth.
Always known I need it.
I need that fear to serve as a bridge moving forward. For, without that bridge, you’ll never make it across the valleys you’ll find along the way.
Fear makes adrenaline. And adrenaline was designed to get us to move, not sit still. It is the only way to get our hearts to pump enough blood necessary properly wake us up. To wake ourselves up from the slumber we fall into when we’re bathed in comfort. And we can only make the most of the dream we live in if we’re awake enough to notice what’s already right in front of our faces.
Every time I stop moving, I am reminded that we are just not meant to sit still. I need it. I need new experiences to remind myself what is real and what is not. I need new experiences to stay awake. To stay engaged. To be able to communicate properly and honestly.
For my words will always be dogshit if I’m not inspired when I write them.
And no one likes dogshit - Especially creative dogshit.
My confidence is only genuinely rejuvenated when I am reminded of the magic. When I bathe in it and soak up it’s light.
Otherwise, nothing makes sense to me.
For death only comes to those who sit still.
If you quit fighting your demons, they’ll get stronger and someday will win. But out here, it’s only you that gets stronger.
I can only write when I am awake.
The pen doesn’t work in the pure darkness. Your light loses power and eventually goes black. And the blacker it gets, the harder it gets to find the door when you need a way out.
And you always need a way out sometimes or you risk losing it all.
You risk becoming a ghost that cannot even find himself when he looks in the mirror. And, if that happens, that means you actually do have to die someday.
Fade away into the void.
That’s where hell truly exists. Everything else is heaven.
And in heaven, you never have to die.
I didn’t realize it then but, after this last trip, I realize what I was trying to remember.
I was trying to remember who I was without all these ups and downs, rejections and self-doubt.
Just that, above all.
To slay the self doubt without anything except a clear and confident presence in remembering who I am behind everything else.
To adjust the compass, just a tiny bit.
Because, while it’s easy to see failure on the surface, I instead saw more of the clouds part and show me where to go next.
Even though the sun was setting and the light seemed dimmer, the only thing I noticed was the stars shining brighter than ever before.
How much do you believe in yourself?
Don’t you just want more of this dream you’re already living?
Share it in love. Share it with the world.
Just give it all away.
